The Mommy Wars

Read a post yesterday on another blog (see blogs I favor) that talked about The Mommy Wars.

A few years, okay, maybe just one year, ago I began an essay on The Mommy Wars. I had just read The Price of Motherhood by Ann Crittenden, in my book group. The book was chosen by me with some help from another woman in the group. This meant that I hosted that monthly meeting. Now, I work--we'll get to the details of that later--and here we were, sitting in my home, discussing the book. We have a very linear way of working through our group and it was not yet my turn. One of the women said something along the lines of, "Women who work and put their children in daycare should not have children." (Of course, this was said in the presence of her mother, also in the group, who is a working mother) I blurted out, "Hello! You are sitting in my home!" Somebody else quickly said, "Well, you don't have your kids in daycare at 6:30 in the morning." "Yes. Yes I do." That's our schedule. Kids in at 6:30 a.m. And honestly, from all that I can see, this judge-of-all-working-mothers isn't doing such a bang-up job raising her kids while she stays at home with them...just saying.

I work part-time. Thus, I actually consider myself a part-time stay at home mom (SAHM). It's an interesting mix and I think I'm in a unique position to really see both sides of this war. Sort of a secret double agent, if you will. Sure, I work four days each week. But this is September through June. Okay, okay, that's really most of the year, I know. But I work with the schools. So don't forget I get almost a week at Thanksgiving. Two weeks over the Holiday season. Another week around Easter. Multiple three-day weekends in addition to my weekly three-day weekend, actually making them four-day weekends. All told, I work 157.6 (go figure, some personnel thing) days per year. You do the math. I actually stay at home with my kids more often than I work. I'm a SAHM who does some WOH (working out of the home) during the year. It's all work. But for me, it really is less stressful work to be at home with my kids, in comparison to working and having kids.

During the work week here is my schedule;

4:55 a.m., alarm rings. Hit snooze two times.
5:09 a.m., get out of bed, into shower.
5:20'ish, out of shower, into other bathroom, note which children have moved into my bed for future reference.
5:45'ish--make-up completed, hair dry, lotion on, out of bathroom into kitchen, turning on many lights to wake up children and spouse.
5:50'ish -- begin making lunches for children, self, spouse, while attempting to cajole the children into eating breakfast and trying very hard not to coerce them.
6:05'ish--lunches complete, on a good day, kids are racing toward the bathroom spouse is in to brush their teeth. Go pick out their clothes, throw them on my bed, put on whatever pants/skirt I'm wearing that day. Pack my car with lunches of child/ren being dropped off by me.
6:15--brush teeth, pull female child into bathroom to brush/style her hair, pull male child in to douse his hair with water and comb it, wishing for the umpteenth time that spouse had not simply given instructions to "trim it" and walked away in the salon, leaving haircutting lady to cut off all his wavy surfer-boy locks. *sigh*
6:20--giving sock reminders now, looking at the clock, finishing my hair, clothes, jewelry.
6:30--out the door, drop child 1 off at school daycare, head toward child 2s daycare


Here is a non-working school day.

6:20 get into shower (spouse is already up and showered at this point, kids are usually rolling around in the bed with me, giggling--leave them to watch Zoboomafoo while I shower).
6:40, out of shower, kiss spouse good-bye, set kids up to eat while I dry my hair and get dressed
7:00, kids get dressed, brush teeth
7:30, one more homework check, pack backpack for child 1, make lunch in the event he wants to take lunch today
7:45, leave house, send child 1 across street to pick up neighbor child who enjoys walking with us
8:00, arrive at school, head toward playground, chit-chat with various teachers and parents, head home with child 2

Much less stressful for me all around. And I have a spouse who really does pitch in. He irons, he cooks, he cleans, he picks up, he starts homework, he's good.

I like staying at home with my kids. I really enjoy it. I can see why it becomes stressful for parents who do only that. No matter what we do, I think we tend to become embroiled in the day-to-day drudgery and politics of it. That creates stress and decreases our perspective on things. We begin to feel that anyone not doing what we do is not doing anything at all and thus, ripe for our judgement. I like working too. I think I've chosen a good career for myself. I enjoy my job, although it becomes stressful, and I hate having a deadline and a sick child at the same time. That stinks in a way no SAHM could ever appreciate if she has not been through it herself. I hate hate hated when my sister used to say to me, "I stay at home! I can't call in sick!" Uh, and you think I can? Not only can I not really call in sick to work (because I have to save those days for the illnesses of my children), but my children do not magically disappear when I work or when I'm sick. They still live in my house too. They still require love, humor, education and periodic bathing. They clamor to be fed and watered, taken to playdates.

Interestingly, I no longer seem to run into the SAHMs I used to feel judging me. Maybe because my kids have moved beyond Gymboree and other Mommy and Me things. I belong to the PTA, and yes, it seems to be dominated by SAHMs. But many of them are part-timers like me, and more and more seem to be entering the workforce...likely as a result of this shitty economy our SAHM loving conservative government has forced on us. If they're judging me, they sure aren't showing it. But maybe I also care less. When the issue is moved into my thought pattern, it makes me angry. I don't understand why we spend time following the shiny instead of focusing on the issues that really matter. The economy. Adequate early childhood resources. Adequate respect for mothers in general! Good maternity and paternity leaves akin to other countries in our world.

Anyway, I eventually lost the focus on my Mommy Wars essay. I planned at the time to send it in to a very non-mainstream mothering (hint hint) publication in the hopes that it might jumpstart some kind of true discussion (because that's how powerful I am). But I lost interest. It felt less real to me I guess, less current. Maybe summer vacation hit and I stopped being worried about being a working mom. I can't remember now.

But I hate The Mommy Wars.