Teetering

always on the brink, trying never to show it...

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hopefully, tomorrow I'll be recovering from a six-day work week.

I know that for some, many, far too many, that's normal. If you're reading this and shouting, "Welcome to my world!" at the screen, I apologize.

For me it's not. My kids? Also not so hot on the thought. My daughter cried for ten long minutes yesterday morning when she realized that we were not staying home together and that she had to go to daycare again. My son seems to enjoy the before school care and didn't seem too put out by it all. Of course, he knew he was coming with me to work today so it was probably a tad easier on him.

Me? I'm just worn out and exhausted. There's a reason I went to a four day week and took the 20% paycut. I don't want to work five days a week! It's really that simple. I like walking my son to school and picking him up after school, just that one time each week. I like chit-chatting with his teacher, joking with the principal and assistant principal. I like the connection. I want them to know I'm around, paying attention.

Yesterday we went to a family party and it was all I could do to keep myself from curling up on the couch and sleeping. This morning, about 4 a.m., I was attempting to lull myself back to sleep just so that I could get a little more time in before having to get up and get ready for work on a Saturday.

Now I'm trying to wind down. The work day wasn't long, I'm just exhausted. Doesn't help that we headed out to a theme park for the evening hours. I hate the feeling that work is consuming me. And these days I feel that more and more frequently.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night, running through scenarios, making mental lists of students to evaluate, teachers to speak with, phone calls to make.

I'm working at night--verboten until recently--every week, multiple evenings.

I'm stressed out, yelling at the kids, thinking evil thoughts about my husband, wishing all the neighbors would go back into their houses and leave me alone.

I'm hypervigilant to my environment. Jumping at every noise. Cringing at the television and stereo. I thought I was going to freak out in the grocery store the other night when I kept bumping into things, my daughter kept talking more loudly than I would have liked. It hurt my head, my ears, my eyes, my being.

I find myself dreaming of winning the lottery, starting a bookstore in the downtown area, anything other than this.

And I actually like my job.

But nobody should be this stressed out. stretched thin.

I can't wait until July.

2 Comments:

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger Katherine Zander said…

    I'll refrain from shouting, "Welcome to my world!"

    I'll just take some heart knowing that I'm not the only one falling asleep to thoughts of work, and waking to them, too. All the while, hypersensitive to any and all stimuli. Maybe it's not me - maybe it's the work, and the stress that comes with.

    I wish I had July to look forward to. And have that theme park so close to home!

     
  • At 9:10 PM, Blogger LB said…

    Aw, KZ, thanks for reading. :) We headed to that theme park and in a three hour period, were able to access one ride only. The patronage is sooo up and down there! And last week it was way up, apparently. New ride. Broke down. But we did get on one ride we'd never been on before and we went with friends so it was all good in the end.

     

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