glimpsing my future self

I have 8 cousins. Two on my mother's side and six on my father's side. On my mother's side, one looks exactly like me. Or, rather, I look like her. I'm the youngest cousin of them all, so I guess I'm always the copycat here. On my father's side, I look exactly like one. Enough so that when I see a picture of her at my wedding--every single time--I think, "What the hell am I wearing a blazer for?" before I remember that it is not, in fact, me, but her.

She's older than me. Oh. I said that already. But she's older than me. I'm not sure how much. When I was young she lived in Japan. By the time she and her family returned to my part of the world, I was a child, not even a very young child anymore, but a child considering a double digit age and she was definitely in the throes of adolescent puberty. Not remotely interested in her youngest cousin, and for good enough reason. Now, I certainly have friends who are ten to fifteen years older than me. So in theory I could be friends with my cousins who are ten'ish years older than I am. But we didn't grow up with that kind of family, so we're not.

So today, Everard and I began a three-day seminar on working with Autistic kids. Our colleague LaRue went with us. I love LaRue. She's a little on the obsessive-compulsive side...wound a little tightly...someone I can totally identify and work with. In fact, I think LaRue and I were mostly sent to police Everard, who will be expected to implement in his classroom what we'll be learning this week.

So LaRue and I carpooled. We got there early (I already mentioned the OCD thing, right?) and were sitting, chitchatting when I looked up and there was my cousin (on my father's side). I thought. I mentioned it. And looked again. Then mentioned it again. Then craned my neck. Then found her name tag. Yep. That's her.

So she sat with us. Turns out, she and Everard have the same job. Turns out, she already has her classroom set up in the manner the seminar teachers suggest (natch). Turns out, she has similar lines around her mouth that suggest to me she also smokes. Well, I don't smoke anymore, but I recognize smoking lines around the lips. huh. So much for that Southern Baptist thing...

So, essentially, she's a stranger to me. We share ancestry and there was some small talk about our families. There are many things in her family right now that really are shitty. Brother in law with metastatic cancer. Mother showing the signs of Alzheimer's. Not much going on over here in comparison. But we both know each other's business. Our dads talk. And we both feel a little exposed, but really want to love our family and have no ill will toward one another. I think she found me unsettling. I tend to dominate Everard (believe, he needs it), as does LaRue, and we had several (helpful?) comments for him regarding his current students. My cousin seems to be functioning quite well without my insights and was likely a little befuddled to see me as an adult with opinions and education. I mean, to me, she's always been an adult. There was no paradigm shift for me. This is life as it should be. But it is harder to see our children grow up I think. So I'd guess it was slightly more startling for her to see me as a responsible, reliable adult. I, on the other hand, was simply startled to realize how similar we look. Again.

I can see me ten years from now. All those crinkly lines around the eyes. Hands, always slightly dry, needing lotion, with large lines, large cells, puffy and wrinkled. We have similar movements. We have similar reactions to things. Laugh at the same jokes. Her colleagues joined us and one said, "You're really cousins?" Uh, yeah. Notice the similarities? He didn't. Although, truth told, he could pass as our brother if his hair was a little more blonde than red. I'm not sure who he thinks he's kidding. Thankfully I don't look ugly ten years from now. I just look older. Wrinkled. But not in a bad way, more in a....erm...quiet, proud way. Having earned every line. Plus, now I can see that if I go more platinum (hiding the grey of course, as I'm sure she is too), it doesn't look half bad. I think I need to do the eyebrows though.

I suspect she has tender feelings toward me, as I do her. Driving home, LaRue and I discussed how not close my family of origin is, as opposed to the family into which I married, and her family of origin. It's sad. I have these nice people, living close to me, who could be sources of comfort, people to confide in, who share my experiences, and yet, we are virtual strangers to one another. In a sense, more cut off because of our forced shared experiences rather than closer because of a close family. Too bad. But maybe this can be a turning point. I doubt it. I think my cousin has her established life and I have mine. After all, her children are all adults--of legal voting and drinking ages--whereas mine are not even near the upper grades of the elementary school system yet. So different. So similar.

I'm glad our paths are crossing this week. It's nice to see me.